Freedom and Hopelessness

I have always had problems in my life, usually pretty serious. Be it health problems, family problems, or relationship problems – I’ve been through the hoops so to speak. As a result, I have learned to observe situations and interactions with a keen eye. I thrust myself into situations head first and try and document them as they happen in my mind. This practice makes up a large part of my life recently. I write sometimes, for the particularly memorable experiences – or conclusions drawn from them. Recently I traveled to the State Fair, common practice assuming I live down the road from it – but before I went, I became thoroughly inebriated – which was an experience in an of itself. By the time I arrived at the gates for the fair, the officer at the ticket desk asked me if I had been drinking, I hastily said no and proceeded to stumble into a world of what one can only describe as utterly terrifying. Growing up in the southeastern United States, I have always associated fairs with a good time. It’s the American pastime one week out of the year. It’s really a sad reflection of our society – pouring money away for cheap 3 minute thrills and tacky games where actually winning is about as probable as winning a lottery. Immersed in a world of screaming, strobe lights, shouting, and big mechanical metal structures hastily built swinging all around at speeds that are unnatural, I realized that I’ve had nightmares very similar to these. By the point we had made it across the grounds – I was deeply fixated on figuring out why so many people love this kind of setting. By that point, the clarity of it all begins to sink in. It’s a deep seated idea embedded in our heads from childhood that we can win it all effortlessly. The American dream has shifted from what was once one of hard work and taking care of each other into cheap thrills and reckless gambling. We’re worms squirming to get to the top after a heavy rain. After a few hours of wandering around this cesspool, we finally began to walk back to the apartment. I was drained, from walking through the rain and also from the poisons I put into my bloodstream. Regardless, this was an experience that I will never forget. With yet another act of debauchery and recklessness under my belt, I continue on with my life, experiencing things for the sake of the memories. Living and learning – but most importantly observing.